Whoo weee! It has been so cold in Washington several politicians have been seen with their hands in their own pockets, Donald Trump has solved global warming in just one year (look at today’s temperatures across the entire country and realize his Inauguration was on Jan. 20 last year) and Walmart has posted advisories in its stores strongly suggesting customers wear two pair of pajama bottoms until the weather breaks!
As The Saturday Funnies makes its 2018 debut, kindly remember these are funny tidbits I gather from my weekly emails and that I did not write any of these.
I am simply the collector and presenter. You would think that with a week shortened by New Year’s Day and sluggish because of Artic air, there may have been a lull but that was hardly the case.
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GOD’S RULES TO ASSURE A PERFECT DAY
WAKE UP -- Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalms 118:242.
DRESS UP -- The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance; but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7
SHUT UP -- Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking. "He who guards his lips guards his soul." Proverbs 13:3
STAND UP -- For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. "Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good..." Galatians 6:9-10
LOOK UP -- To the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
REACH UP-- For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” Proverbs 3:5-6
LIFT UP -- Your prayers: "Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything.” Philippians 4:6
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THE OTHER DAY I WATCHED AN AMAZING FOOTBALL GAME
1) The player's hair fit under their helmets.
2) No tattoos could be seen.
3) There were no outlandish end zone celebrations.
4) There was no taunting.
5) Opposition players helped each other up after a play.
6) Footballs were not spiked or left for the referee to retrieve; they were handed to the referee.
7) No one took a knee on the sidelines.
9) Players stood at attention during the playing of the national anthem.
10) Its great fun to watch an Army - Navy game.
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THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED AT THE LOVE SEMINAR
True Love! A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart!"
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message. Here are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.
1. Who the h--- is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the h--- did you do now?
7. Don't beat around the bush; just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
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WHAT COUNTRY HAS THE LARGEST ARMY IN THE WORLD?
A blogger added up the deer licenses sales in just handful of states and arrived at a striking conclusion. There were over 600,000 hunters this season in Wisconsin. Over the last several months, Wisconsin’s hunters became the 8th latest army in the world. These men, deployed to the woods of a single American state, to hunt with firearms, and no one was killed.
That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 thousand who hunted the woods of Pennsylvania and Michigan's 700,000 hunters all of whom have returned home safely.
Toss in a quarter of a million hunters in W. Virginia and it literally establishes the fact that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world.
And then add in the total number of hunters in the other 46 states. It's millions more.
American will forever be safe from foreign invasions with that kind of home-grown firepower!
Hunting. . . it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security and that, dear friend, is why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.
What army of 2 million would want to face 30, 40, or 50 million armed citizens??
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THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER -- TWO VERSIONS
THE OLD VERSION -- The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. The moral of the story? Be responsible for yourself!
THE NEW VERSION -- The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”
Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake. President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize and ramshackle, the once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood. The entire nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
The moral of the story? Be careful how you vote in 2018 and 2020.
(Disclaimer: I didn’t write this but some people think it is funny!)
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ON THE 60TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. “It’s nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
“You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're b*****ds?"
"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."