Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

Sunday, August 12, 2018 - by Roy Exum
Roy Exum
Roy Exum

This week I paid fines in excess of $300 for speeding on I-75 directly across from Hamilton Place Mall. Understand, traffic consistently goes at least 70 mph at this very spot but now the speed limit suddenly changes to 55 mph and the Tennessee Highway Patrol shamefully can pick-and-choose their victims. I’m telling you – anybody who drives 55 could easily cause a car wreck.

In another incident this week, I had a health glitch Friday that prohibited my weekly edition of “The Saturday Funnies” so here’s a Sunday version to assure you will not miss a couple of laughs. As I am always quick to point out, these funnies are not written by me, but are included in the weekly emails that friends send to me.

This first story, which came the day I paid my fine for speeding, was all the more delightful:

“A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. After his operation the doctors advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his groin.

“Worried that it might be another surgery needed that the doctors hadn't told him about yet, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up sufficiently, that he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

“Taped firmly across his private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all!

“Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week and gave a ticket to!"

“Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?”

* * *

A DIVORCE LETTER THAT WILL LEAVE YOU IN TEARS & THE REPLY

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.  Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie.  You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.  You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

P.S. Don't try to find me.  Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!

THE HUSBAND’S REPLY

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.  I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and complaining.  Too bad that doesn't work anymore.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'  Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with my brother because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday;  I left my job & bought two tickets for us to Paris. When I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.  I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.  So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell Ex-Husband Who Is Now Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

* * *

THE QUARTERBACK WHO WAS DISCOVERED ON CNN

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

* * *

PROFESSOR RICKSON'S NEWEST INVENTION

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and almost beat the very life out of the professor.

* * *

BEERS FOR EVERYBODY BUT THE REPUBLICAN

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap, with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican'."

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the 'Union Boss'.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

A few more minutes pass and the union boss again orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"

Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

royexum@aol.com



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